Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
