hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
