if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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