just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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