Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
