She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
