i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just cropdusted the office
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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