My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
