Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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