Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
