Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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