you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
