Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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