with your own penis?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
