i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
