so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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