Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
