It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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