she woke up with a sticky ear
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
