So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize