At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
