Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
