Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
