wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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