I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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