I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
