you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
