I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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