U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize