Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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