The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
