Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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