Don't make out with my wife yet
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
