you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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