the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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