I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
