I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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