If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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