how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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