watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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