there's paper in my vomit.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
