Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
