She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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