God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
