My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
