its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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