well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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