Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
