Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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