was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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