She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
