some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
