dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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