Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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