I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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