i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
