apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
