Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
