So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
