FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
