I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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