Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
