Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
