Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
