she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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