I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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