So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
