And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
