I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
