meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
