so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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