No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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